“How you drug the divorce out intentionally”
Subject line: Haven’t forgotten
I haven’t forgotten how you lit up the room everytime you were among even people you didn’t know. The reaction you had when I first reached out vulnerable and alone. The fragile and quiet strength that you possessed, though even you didn’t believe in it, how you rescued me from entrapment and naiivety, how you held me pressed up against me in bed with your hand massaging my stomach getting the bubbles out,.. the loud screaming matches and slammed doors in each others faces, the baseball you threw and smashed glass on my face, the water glittering with stars as a preclude of the diamond you’d put on my finger on Eliott Bay, the house that even the animals were afraid of that you restored (and I helped), the nights we’d park and look down on the city made anew each time, your mother screaming at you when you were sick in our house after I’d waited on you hand and foot demanding the return of her credit card, the first time I gave you head at a country house and a child came out and we had to run away, our first night at Pappa haydens with the kiwi dacqueries and across the table I timidly reached across for your hand when you opened up about being hurt, puking the day before our wedding out the window of the red truck as we went over the interstate bridge, wanting and worrying about being the perfect wife for you and fitting into your world, the night you left with only one white shirt pair of socks and underwear… The next mornings phone call when you declared divorce and then you didn’t talk to me for 55 days…
Getting pushed to my limit of grief and heartache… Wanting to save you from people I felt were
the polar opposite of you, defending you and your abandoning me, walking the ledge on the forth floor balcony hoping to fall, writing you letters, falling asleep on our wedding album as tears stained the colors, you calling 55 days later… How I was never good enough to fit in w your family not rich and not Jewish… My inordinate amount of inner pain and turmoil… Pushing my finger down my throat and forcedly purging you out of my system on a regular basis… The phone call you gave to say “I love u, but showing my love for you makes me weak as a man after being fooled that you wanted to work this out… The arbitration you didn’t even think enough of me to come to… How one moment you were 250% involved and supportive in my life and the next year you became -250%…
how I fought for us for you and for me… The last time we slept together before the divorce… How you drug the divorce out intentionally… How you’re now calling me names and referring to who I am with next…my change of the most resilient kind. How we never resolved or settled any of this and how we can’t be sure we really knew each other anymore. Your betrayal of not sitting down with me.. Your selfishness that rings true daily. How even though it’s all very true… I still will not let myself think the worst of yot or give up either
